5 Years Gone By. Love you Leisha

Today is a hard day. But God will get me through. Just like He has for the past 5 years. He is such a good and faithful God!



Sparkling Tears
By: Sarah Smith

Memories flash before my mind’s eye
Wanting more time, I could never buy
I remember the smile on her lovely face
Dressed with the beauty of God’s grace
The way her smile would light the sky
All these memories, Oh dear God, why?

These sparkling tears pour down my cheeks
I try to cry out, my voice instead just squeaks
My hurt heart is full of these soft tender weeps
I cry out, these sparkling tears on my cheeks

Years move forward, I knew they would
Feeling so lost, and very misunderstood
I remember her laugh, it brightened days
Lighting rooms like the sun’s bright rays
Trying to move on, wondering if I could
All I hear, “God works things for good”

These sparkling tears pour from my eyes
Turning my face to the bright blue skies
Begging for God to answers all the whys
I cry out, sparkling tears from my eyes

I look at the green light, a sign of hope
Knowing its no longer the time to mope
I remember the wisdom she said to me
Knowing that God’s grace as the key
Pushing through pain, trying to cope
Trusting that God is holding the rope

These sparkling tears flow from my heart
God was holding them from the very start
Placing them in a box, covered in His art
He says it’s ok and now I need to restart
I laugh loud, the sparking tears now depart

I love you. I'm sorry. You need to understand this.

You know what God has really taught me this past week? I can't make everyone happy. I can't be "best friend" to everyone. I need to stop trying. Having a compassionate heart doesn't mean I need to beat myself up over not being "best friends" with someone. It just means I need to be there for them when they need it and pray for them. You would have thought I would have known this already, I've put myself through it enough times. But no, God chose today to make that really obvious to me.

So here it goes peeps. I love all my friends very much and I will always be around, but it's not fair, or right, to make me feel bad over something that will only emotionally kill me if I do.
And also some people really need to stop using "true friend" and "best friend" interchangeably. They are not the same thing. You can have a true friend who isn't your best friend. IE: Beks isn't my best friend, and I'm not hers, but we will totally call each other out if need be, and we are always there if the other needs us.
And for the record when someone says something out of love, and it hurts you, don't go saying "I guess they weren't a true friend after all" cause ONLY a true friend would have the guts to say it in the first place. Think on that awhile before posting on twitter, facebook, or texting all your other friends about how this person isn't a good friend. Maybe by saying stuff about them, not trying to understand their side, and only focusing on your pain and not theirs, YOU are the one NOT be a good or true friend. Ever think of that?

Back to my point. We're siblings in Christ. We get along great. Nothing has changed except I am NOT in pain anymore, but you are. Sucks to be in this position. I know I have the power to make you feel better, and believe me, I want to. But I can't take myself back there. It's not good for me emotionally, socically, or Spiritually. I'm not doing it. I'm sorry. I love you deeply. I will ALWAYS be around. I AM a true friend. I just can't be your best friend.

My Best Friend (or really Best FriendS)

Calls me out on my crap. Criticises as much as compliments. Can carry a meaningful conversation without needing be be prodded because they genuinely want to be in a conversation with me. Don't make me feel like a know it all or like I am stupid. Prays for and with me. Can talk deep Spiritual matters with me. Brings God into every conversation because they love Him as much as I do. Agrees that our friendship needs to be based on our mutual love for God first and foremost. Loves me no matter what. Puts up with my sarcasm and teasing and actually engages in it and encourages it. Someone I can have stupid meaningless fights with because it's all in good fun. Texts me just to say they saw or heard something and thought of me or because they just want me to have a good day or because they are praying for me. Someone who will call me, or answer their phone, at 2 am because I am crying and I need them. Some one who will say "Sarah, you need to talk with God about this." Or "Get in the Word you idiot! No wonder you feel like crap!" Someone I can smile at and be all "hey I'm totally happy and great" and they say "tell the truth" or "can you give me a real genuine smile?" Someone who knows how to push my buttons but doesn't unless they are trying to make a point. Someone I can have an hour long conversation with about the letter "Q". Someone who calls me weird or a loser then gives me a hug. Someone who I have so many inside jokes with we can almost talk in code. Someone who either is a fellow JB fan or has respect for them simply because I love JB and that friend loves me. Someone who calls me and leaves messages on my phone about how I am a sugar plum princess and they are a peppermint fairy simply because they love Christmas and want me to feel the love. Someone who puts me in a head lock because "you were standing there and I had the urge". Someone who pounds on my back so hard I feel like it might break because "you are such an easy target". Someone I can lean on and say "You are so stupid" and they put their arm around me in return. Someone who can look me in the eye and say "I promise you. Friends forever." then continually proves it time and time again. Someone who I can call a complete loser and they reply with "I know. You are a winner though.". Someone who can cheer me up with a story about kittens, but can also crush me by not answering a text within an hour of said text being sent. Someone who let's me belt out Taylor Swift randomly and joins in even though we are in public just because I felt like it. Someone who will go along with my crazy schemes, even at 3am. Someone who can be having a conversation with someone else and doesn't say a word to me but slings their arm over my shoulder to let me know that they realise I am there and don't want me to leave. Someone who greats me with "Yo Loser Face!" or "Hello my gorgeous darling how art thou this lovely day?" Someone who totally gets me in every aspect of my life not just the side that I show via IM or texting because they are aware that I have many layers and only someone truly close to me can see and fully know all those layers. Someone who meets me at McDonald's or Taco Bell on their only day off because I really need some ice-cream, fries, or a taco and I don't want to go alone. Someone who lends me $3 for a necklace I have been saving for then they raised the price on me, and they never really expect me to pay them back. Someone I can lend $20 bucks to and when they pay me back 4 months later I go. "Oh right. I forgot about that. Oh well. Thanks for the cash!" Someone who can make me laugh when i don't want to. Someone who cries with me and laughs with me. Someone who threatens to hunt down and kill my LONG passed crush because he didn't realise me when I was 11. Someone who tells me to pick the time and place and they will help me bury the body of the person I want to kill. Someone who gets my humor and never rolls their eyes or says "whatever" at a joke I tell but instead groans if it is really lame or laughs. Someone who tries to convince me that my dad really is funny. Someone who knows that they have to ask me the same question about 10 times before I will really give them an answer just because I am testing to see how much they care. Someone I cry over when I think about moving or them moving. Someone I text constantly and when I ask "am I being annoying?" they say "Yes. But it's ok.". Someone who tells me to just suck it up and get over what is bothering me when it really isn't that important. Someone who can name my favorite movie or show just because I quote it all the time and they find it annoying. Someone who rolls their eyes and groans when they hear me explain where I got my name from... again. Someone who knows all my secret dreams and encourages them and when I start doubting them they tell me that I am being stupid and they will happen. Someone who tells me that I am their favorite then turns around and tells my other friend that they are really their favorite. Someone who prank calls me at odd hours just because they were bored and had nothing else to do. Someone who sits with me all alone at Taco Bell at 11:00 at night and decides that we will start a club just because. Someone who I can mock forever over something they did a year or more before and they don't care because they have amo on me too. Someone who tells me to get off my lazy butt and go to prayer because I need it and they miss me. Someone who can make me feel guilty just by raising an eyebrow. Someone who has the power to make me cry and laugh at the same time. Someone who will stay up way later then they want to to help me solve a problem. Someone who lets me rock out in their car in a parking lot, in the middle of a storm because I locked my keys in my car and I am stuck there until my dad gets off work. Someone who I can act like I am 5 with because I just need a break from being a grown up. Someone who loves me for me and not who they want me to be and just all around is there for me no matter what. Someone who doesn't question it when I randomly start talking about scotch tape but instead joins the conversation. Someone who will go down my random bunny trails with me and adds onto whatever story I am making up. Someone who openly plots on how to take me down after I beat them at something. Someone who mocks my signing then asks me to show them how to do it. Someone who will through their arm around me in the middle of Bible study, or a serious moment and then bursts out singing "Lean on Me" and I can join in with. Someone who gets emotional when they pray because they are really passionate about God and whatever it is we are praying about. Someone who will go to Canada for 10 days with me with no cell phone, computer, or TV and yet finds someone to entertain me for hours. Someone who mocks me for being a night owl even though they secretly love it because of the time difference and their schedule it's the only time we can talk. Someone who I can call "Loser dork!" and they reply with "I love you too." and genuinely mean it. Someone who will help me steal another friend's hat, cell phone, keys, car, or whatever. Someone who lets me steal from them but makes it difficult because they love the game of it as much as I do. Someone who debates me on just about everything under the sun simply because that's our thing. Someone who will start talking about some random conversation we had when they are in the middle of teaching a class. Someone who throws me on a couch then sits on me. Someone who says I have full permission to blow their knees out, just not until after whatever sport they are currently playing is over for the season. Someone tries to butter me up to get me to do something for them even though they know it will do no good. Someone who steals my phone and takes random pictures then sets them as my background. Someone who gives me odd looks then goes and does the exact same thing I just did that caused them to look at me like that. Someone who joins in on my stupid random videos. Someone who looks me straight in the eye and says "Sarah, I am not gonna let you plan your own wedding" and they are totally serious. Someone who listens to what I have to say and genuinely cares, even if they don't understand. Someone who can inspire me to write a song. Someone who will hold me and cry with me on my darkest of days. Someone who writes "Encouragement Alphabets" for me. Someone who truly loves me!

Lord, You are Good

So this past Monday marked 4 years since Leisha ran right into her SAVIOR'S arms. I miss her dearly as many of you know, but it gets easier. I know that if she were able to talk to me she would tell me not to be depressed and to live life to the fullest so this is what I plan on continuing to do.
This year God put the people in my life that would be the most help and comfort and I am forever grateful. Amber, Lydia, Mack, Dori, Yoshi, Christa, Ella, and Victoria you rule!

On a happier note, TFC Leader's Training was this past weekend and it was awesome. Great bonding with the other leaders, and great times of worship. It was just awesome! The Lord moved and it was great. I am so pumped for this next year. Shawnee Jr. High chapter baby!

Lord, use me in that chapter. Build me up and prepare me for the work You want me to do. Help me to be a Godly example to those young teens and help me to be able to point them to You. Don't let it be me there but You shining through me. Father, You are going to do mighty things this year and I am so excited!

So all around from April till now life has been good. I finished school, got my credentials to teach preschool/ be a child care provider, completed classes and I am now certified in CPR, and God has done some awesome things. Life is good! (But eternal life is better!)

I guess that is really all I have for now.
LATER!
Dependent on God

Happy Birthday Beautiful Girl!

19 years ago today God gave the world a percious gift. Though it wasn't until almost 12 years later that I met her. For those 3 1/2 years that I knew her I was incredibly blessed and I will never forget that time of my life. Even if I only had 3 1/2 years with Leisha where others knew her longer, and better, in that time she was still my best friend. I am so blessed be to able to say that I knew her. And for that I have reason to celebrate today. She might not be here with us any more. We might not have been able to do all the things we planned, but I had her in my life. And that is reason to celebrate. Thank You God for giving me the gift of a friendship with Leisha. Thank You God for putting her in my life. Thank You God for all the memories I have with her. Thank You God for bringing her into this world. And Thank You God for comforting my grieving heart now. Thank You God for being there all along. Thank You God for never letting any of us go.

Happy Birthday Leisha D! I love you Tinkerbell!

~Snicker

Another Lesson from a Preschooler

This story happened a few weeks ago, I have just been so crazy busy that I never got a chance to post it before.
In the 3-year-old class (where I am now permantly stationed as Teacher's Aide, I got promoted) the children were making Clifford heads out of red hearts for the head, half of a pink heart for the earts, and black hearts for the nose and eyes. Anyway there was one kid that insisted he put one of the ears upside-down and attach it to Clifford's chin. We tried to correct him but he put it back how he wanted. We let it go and decided to ask him why it was so important to him that he place the ear where he had. His reply "I want to be different. I don't want to be like everyone else." Powerful words when you think about it.
This 3-year-old understood what so many Jr. High, Highschool, and even College students, as well as some adults, can never seem to grasp. Everyone is different. You don't have to be like everyone else. There is nothing wrong with doing your own thing.
Another thing that really hit me, much like the girl on the swing, is that as Christians we arent supposed to be like everyone else. We are supposed to be different. Why is it that so many Christians are afraid to step out, and be different?
As the kids left that day I really thought about the words of that 3-year-old boy and I thought, "Am I doing that? Am I boldly being different? Am I afraid to take that stand for Christ and not be afraid to stand out?" I don't know if I am totally there yet, but I am trying. We are "in this world but not of it". Let's take a stand, and embrace that. "Don't be afraid to stand out. That's how the lost get found."

God is Awesome!!!

I LOVE YOU JESUS!!!!!
Last night at 11:30pm until now, 1:00pm has just been like a giant me and God time, even though I have been talking to friends during that time. We have just been talking about some serious issues and keeping God the center and it has just been so amazing! God is AWESOME! There are no words to discribe what this is like! I want to bottle this feeling and keep it always...wait...why do I say then when as long as I am spending time with Him i am feeling this way. I'll just continue to spend time with Him! I know that is easier said then done, but really why? I love Him. I want to spend time with Him. So I'm going to!!!

Empty Me- Jeremy Camp

Music Speaks

How can I express what’s going on in my heart?
What words are there to make you see?
How much longer until you come save me from this dark?
Are you now my friend or my enemy?
How can I keep pretending that this isn’t tearing me apart?
Do you care how I am feeling or are you filled with apathy?

Words fail and music speaks
My thoughts are locked away and I can’t find the key
My sorrow hits its peak
And my music can’t save me

Life goes on and hurtful words tumble and flow
I begin to shut down, as is my tendency
My mask goes up so that you never know
What it is that you are now doing to me
The fights hit my heart like an arrow
Can you just cut it out, quit it and let me be
　
Words fail and music speaks
My thoughts are locked away and I can’t find the key
My sorrow hits its peak
And my music can’t save me

Words fail and music speaks
My thoughts are locked away and I can’t find the key
My sorrow hits its peak
And my music can’t save me

Though the pain burns hotter then the sun
It helps to drive me to the One
He takes my aches and grieves away
And I know He is here to stay

Words fail and music speaks
My thoughts are locked and now I find the key
My joy and love peaks
Now my soul’s Music saves me

God Speak

God can speak to you anytime, anywhere, about anything. Today at work I was pushing a little girl, lets call her Gracie, on the swing. Well before long all the others girls ran over and got on the other swings wanted me to push them too. So I ran up and down behind the swings pushing the girls. Then Gracie did something strange. She stopped her swing, turned around, and climbed back on facing the opposite direction from everybody else. Now as the person pushing the swings what she did made my job so much harder and really kinda annoying. So I told her to turn around and face the other way. When she asked why I said, "because everyone else is and it makes it easier." As she was turning back around the words I had spoken hit me. How many times are we are Christians told to conform to the patterns of this world because it is easier. Or because everyone else is? How many times do we try to go against the grain and be different? God spoke to me so clearly in that moment. It really made me stop and think about my life. Do I dare to be different, to live for Him and go against the grain? Or to I conform and compromise to fit in with this world?
Romans 12:2.

WOW GOD!

Ever have those moments when God just does something totally unexpected and incredable in your life? When all you can do is stand back and sing praises to Him? I had one of those moments today, and yesterday. Here is my story.
4 or 5 years ago (I can't remember which) a family moved into our neighborhood. This family had a girl about my age named Megan. (Now I'm not really sure how she spells it so whatever) Megan, a year younger then me, was almost oppasite me in everyway. IE: She was skinny and blonde. She is not saved and had a mouth on her. She is mean to her brother. Megan and I hung out that summer and we became friends. However the school year started and we drifted apart. Our younger brothers are friendss, but Megan and I never saw each other again after that summer which is crazy since we are caddy-corner neighbors. God had given me an assignment to witness to Meg, and I didnt really do it. Over the years God has reminded me of her and how I should have kept up that friendship and how much she needs Him and I have the answers that she needs. Somedays I would feel really guilty and be all "why didn't I say something then?" or "why didn't I keep our friendship going?" But alas, the past is the past. Fastfoward to October when I got hired on at the daycare and preschool center where I work. I had been voluneering there but I was never there past 3:30. Well when I started working there, my hours have me stay until 5. At 4 o'clock I take the daycare kids in Mrs. Terri's room outside. Already out there are Mrs. Karlene, and Ms. Meg. It wasn't until yesterday that Ms. Meg and I got talking. In our conversation we found out something. She is Megan, my friend from those years ago. She has since then cut her hair real short and dyed is dark brown, but other then that she is pretty much the same Megan I knew then. Weird how God brought up back together. Then today Megan had to help in my room do to having some over flow kids. It was crazy. We worked side-by-side today and got talking again. Maybe someday soon we will start hanging out around the neighborhood again. I don't know exactly what the future holds for Megan and I, but I do know this. God has given me a second chance to be a witness and friend to this girl. I am NOT going to blow it this time.
God You are just so good! It is amazing to see what You have done these past two days! I Love You Lord!

Forever,
Dependent on God